Single and Celibate Vampire
by AndreaO22
Summary: Eddie is, as the title says, a single and celibate vampire. His nose, or rather his not-so-little friend, have caught a whiff of Bella Swan. Edward now has to deal with his crazy family, crazy ex vampire sluts, and his new addiction to Bella. Bella is being thrown into a lot of changes, a lot of BIG changes even. Can she cope with everything that is attached to Eddie? **Vampire fic
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: New Story, Haven't given up on my old ones, but I got struck with this one. I am going to update the others soon...maybe...in the future...yeah**

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><p><em><span><strong>Chapter One<strong>_

_Hi, my name is Edward and I've been stalking you for weeks._

Nope, she'd try to get me arrested.

_Yo Yo Yo it's your boy Eddie E in the hizzous!_

Scratch that, I don't want to look like an imbecile.

_I can smell you. Is that from Victoria Secret?_

Shit, that's creepy and she might think I'm a little too feminine.

I don't know what to do.

Isabella Marie Swan has engulfed the deepest part of my mind. She's been swimming around in there for the better part of a month.

Her scent, the smell of honey, maybe, it's indescribable.

Her walk, fuck..her boobs.

I'd been drawn to her since the first whiff and I've been hard for that long too.

_Fucking agony._

I've been trying to come up with ways to approach her, but everything I come up with makes me out to be an utter spazz. Who the fuck in their right mind would want to talk to a guy with my pick up lines?

_I'm waiting here._

_Drop some names._

_That's right...you can't think of any either._

I read somewhere that girls like to be called pet names when you first speak to them, but on t.v. guys are always calling women "bitches".

I'm not that much of an idiot.

"Eddie," my "adopted" oaf of a brother swings into my window, "Shit were you jerkin' off?".

"Whh-aatt? Why would you say that?" I say.

"That big bottle of baby oil says that you were," he casts an eye over to my night stand and smiles.

"Just because I have...that, doesn't mean what you think. My hands get rough sometimes".

He belts out a laugh, "Right. We're vampires Eddie; we're always rough".

"Emmett get your ass down here!" Rose, his mate and the most annoying blonde ever calls from the kitchen.

"Aww," Em groans, "Rose baby, I'm having a manly-man talk with the bro-skie".

He pouts...What kind of stuck-at-19 vampire-man pouts?

Yeah, Emmett's about five shits away from being a college student.

He doesn't grasp the concept that WE'RE FUCKING OLD. I mean, technically.

"Do as she says, or you'll be stroking your rooster for a month," Alice's tinkling laughter fills my doorway.

Em's gone in seconds, and my favorite "sister" is sat on my bed.

"You're going to talk to her soon Eddie".

_She's now been dubbed Captain Fucking Obvious._

_Clap Clap for CFO!_

"Not if I can't find a way to not sound like an idiot".

She laughs, "It'll all work out. I've seen it".

Alice's vision of me and Bella Swan standing side-by-side, actually talking fills my head.

"I don't know what to say to her Al. She'll run away". Now it's my turn to pout.

What kind of stuck-at-17 vampire-man pouts?

_I'm looking a myself here, but I've got problems too._

"Well yeah if you open with the 'I'm a vampire, love me' line".

I glare at her, because you know, she's not funny.

"Stop being so mopey Edward! It's bringing me down!" Jasper bellows from his and Alice's room.

"I'll fix that later Jazzy," Alice calls to him.

"Should I get the whip, darlin'?" He replies in his country-slang.

He's only been to the South three times, so I'm fucking confused...

"Only if you're feeling nasty...Professor Hale," Alice licks her lips and lets out a soft growl.

I kick her off my bed, because now I'm sorta bummed.

These freaks are all thinking about going at it, even my surrogate vampy mother Esme, and I'm just here like...

_Can I talk to my girl first? Jeez_

"My girl" sounds nice as shit.

I wonder if Bella will like it.

"Alice get out," I damn near cry at the compromising situations she's envisioning herself and Jasper in.

"Sorry bro, I kind of left there for a second," she apologizes.

"I'm leaving," I stand up abruptly.

"Have fun Eddie" Alice stands up, ready to run to Jasper like the hornball she is.

"Maybe you should call before you come back Ed," Emmett shouts and I hear his and Rose's door close.

_Fucking hell! It's no wonder I need the baby oil._

"Maybe you should sweetie," Esme calls up to me, "Carlisle's due any minute".

_Ewwwwwww._

I don't like to think about my surrogate parents' doing that, let alone seeing Esme performing a strip tease in her head.

"You guys are all animals!" I yell, and I mean it too.

"Wait until you get some. Maybe Bella will pull the stick out of your ass!" Rose cackles.

_HaHa the Ice Bitch makes a funny._

I know, I know. I said that thing about not calling women "bitches", but Rose picks on me.

Release internal sigh.

I hop out of my window, and raise into town. Chasing that scent.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Thank you guys for reading and for reviewing**_

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><p><span><strong>Chapter Two<br>**

I ran like an idiot.

I have no idea where this girl is. I can smell her, but I don't know who she's with. What she's doing, you know, her life.

Yes, I thought about how stupid and reckless I'm being. What if she runs away from me? What if she uses pepper spray? But I can't bring myself to care.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Emmett says I need some "ass", but he"s more of an idiot than a lover. Yes he loves Rose, but "ass" really? I'd be lucky enough to get a look honestly. I've pissed and moaned over this girl for weeks and if she refuses me, I may just cry.

There's nothing wrong with a grown guy crying okay?

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><p>I ended up near the library, which was my first hunch anyway.<p>

_Should I go in?_

_Man up Cullen. Man up._

_Fuck, I'm actually doing this. ..._

I open the door and immediately have to adjust my crotch. Fuck she's everywhere. I could tell you every book she's ever touched in here. Every chair she's sat in.

Maybe they oughta clean the place a little better, but fuck I don't care.

I'm sporting major wood right now.

I bring my thumb and index finger up to clench my nose in irritation.

Now? This had to happen now?

I walk in my slow human pace to the back of the room, to erm...fix somethings.

"Hi!" a skinny, dark-haired girl greets me.

_My little guy just can't catch a break._

"Hello", I reply, "ummm. Have we met before? "

It may be hard to believe, but some girls just throw themselves at me.

Me! I know, if they only knew.

"Well not in reality, but I've had steamy dreams about you handsome" the skinny-seductress runs her hand down towards my bulge and I want to die.

_Fuck. He must be packing. I want that. I wonder if he'll go down? I should shave..._

"Okay, nice meeting you" I say and almost trip over everything in my escape from her.

I can't believe Edward Junior was almost defiled by that beast. God, if I could, I'd throw up.

And go down? Ewww. I could smell the feline odor damn near leaking from her area, and she definitely needs a litter box, and one of those car air fresheners to hang from her belt.

"You're lucky you got away", the most angelic voice I've ever heard, and wanked over, seems to be talking to me. "Angie sure knows how to pick em".

Bella Swan laughs and I suddenly want to die for a different reason entirely.

Here she is. Here she fucking is. Standing before me with her long brown hair, her tight ass figure, her bouncy boobs, her butt crisply sat in sweatpants at the table near me, and it don't know what to say. Her beauty has actually rendered me silent, and yeah. I get that cheap ass line now.

She stares at me and I realize I've yet to answer her.

"Beautiful", I spit out and fucckkk I'm a spazz.

"Angie?" my sweet beauty scrunches up her nose.

I want to bite it.

Not in the vampirey way. She's just adorable. Yeah. She's everything already.

"No!" I bellow out, "Oh God no". How could she ever think I would want that witch?

"Oh good," she says and I am graced with a smile.

Fuck, hold on EJ.

"Not that there's anything wrong with Ang," she explains, "but yeah, she has whorish tendencies. Like I could point out the guys she's been with right now".

She wrinkles her nose again, and I realize. I can't hear her. Not one word, not a peep. I look around the room and hope I haven't gone completely nuts.

_Mmm. Come this way honey._

_That slut. Get him Bella!_

_I'd like to fuck her. Look at those blow job lips._

Insert growl right fucking there.

"Are you okay?" She looks up at me. Worried. About me.

"Yeah, I just remembered that I'm starving," I utter out like the moron I am. "Yeah, it's been a while since I've had a real-"

Think Cullen think.

"Burger. Yup, haven't had one of those in a while. You know, the ones with Catsup".

She laughs, " I think you mean ketchup, but hey. I'm not going to judge".

She reaches over and places her hand on my hand, and yeah, I need a brown paper bag and the ability to breath.

"You know what stranger, " she says, " I could go for a burger too" . She gets up and packs up all of her books. She begins to walk away and then she says, "Aren't you coming?".

She smiles. She must not know that I'm close to doing just that.

"Oh yeah. I mean yes. If that's what you want", I say, straining for an answer.

"Well why the hell would I have asked you if I wasn't serious?" she askes.

MMmmm, my beauty has a feisty side.

I don't respond quick enough for her, and suddenly she's taken a hold of my hand and is pulling me towards the exit.

Fuck yes.

_That bitch Bella._

Ewwww, the skinny-seductress.

Bella sticks her tongue out at Ang.

Yes baby!

I wish she was mine already. At least I can actually eat a burger. After three hundred years, Carlisle realized that maybe we can eat what the humans eat. I came two hundred years later, Esme after me, and Rose after her.

Would you believe that they actually thought that Rose could serve as a good companion for me?

Me and the Ice Bitch? I don't fucking think so. I was so happy when she rescued Emmett from that bear. Sigh. Memories.

Alice came after that, and war-lover Jasper after her. He wanted us to go to a convention once. A convention. About war. Yeah I'm not that old.

"Get in," Bella says, and I look up at a beat-down orange trunk. "Where's your car Stranger?"

I look at her and gulp. Fucking why? I don't know. I didn't think of bringing liable transportation. Fuck.

"Umm at the shop," I lie.

"Right. The shop in the next town?" She smiles and looks at me like the idiot I am.

Fuck Forks for being so fucking small.

So many F-Bombs in one day.

"Get in," she says again and pulls her door open and climbs in.

I'm just going to say it...THAT ASS. Fuck Bella will be the death of me.

"I'm not going to open your door for you!" she calls and I bolt to my side. Once I'm in I just stare at her, because you know, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

"You look at me like I'm the prettiest thing you've ever seen Stranger".

"You're beautiful! " I stutter out. I hope she sees that. "I've been hard for fucking ever Bella". I say and gesture towards my situation.

"Mmm. I see that," she looks her lips and I moan.

"You're paying Stud, and..." she looks at me, " you're going to tell me how you know my name. Have you been stalking me pretty boy?" She reaches up and runs her hand across my cheek.

"Fuck" I whisper.

"I like that idea and all, but first I need to know your name". She laughs and I die.

Or my pants do anyway. They're ruined. Covered in my spooze.

"You're a big boy, aren't you Stranger? ". She winks at me.

"Would you happen to have any pants, umm Bella?" I ask, because otherwise, I'm fucked.

She only smiles at me, and then we're driving.


End file.
